excerpts from handbook of family advice

by James C. Dobson, Ph.d

Preparing for the Big Day

Premarital counseling can make a great contribution to the stability of a future
relationship. My friend Dr. Archibald Hart, psychologist and author, recommends at
least six to eight counseling sessions before the bride and groom meet at the altar.
They are needed because those who are engaged often have many expectations
about marriage that are never verbalized until after the knot has been tied. Conflict
then becomes inevitable when those differing assumptions collide. Therefore, it is
important to talk through these understandings in the less antagonistic light of the
courtship.

Dr. Hart often asks these kinds of questions to the couples who consult with him:

  • “If I had never met the person you’re planning to marry, and I had to rely on you
     to give me a description of who that individual is, what would you tell me?”
  • “If you could think of one thing that you would like to see your fiancé change,
     what would it be?”
  • “What are the five or six major goals that have been established for your first
     few years together?”
  • “What does your budget look like?”
  • “Have you planned how you’re going to pay for the things you’re going to buy
     beyond the honeymoon?”

Tough questions? You bet. But the couple that can’t agree on these kinds of issues before they’re married is certain to fight over them after the wedding. That’s why I often recommend to the parents of engaged couples that they pay for premarital counseling as a wedding gift. It might be the most thoughtful gift you could provide.

Keeping the Boats Together

Imagine, if you will, two little rowboats setting off to cross a choppy lake. A man sits in one, and a woman rides blissfully in the other. They have every intention of rowing side by side, but then they begin drifting in opposite directions. They can hardly hear each other above the sound of the wind. Soon the man finds himself at the northern end of the lake, and the woman bobs along at the south. Neither can recall how he or she drifted so far from the other or what they should do to reconnect.

This simple illustration has meaning for newlyweds who embark on life’s journey. They stand at the altar and pledge to live together in love and harmony. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way. Unless their relationship is maintained and cultivated, it will grow distant and estranged. In essence, that is why romantic little rowboats often drift toward opposite ends of the lake.

The question to be raised is, how can husbands and wives remain in the same proximity for a lifetime? The answer is to row like crazy. Take time for romantic activities. Think not of yourself but of the other. Avoid that which breeds conflict and resentment. And listen carefully to the needs of the partner. These are the keys to harmony and friendship.

It’s difficult to keep two rowboats floating along together, but it can be done if each partner is determined to row. Unless they are willing to paddle, however, the currents of culture will separate them forever.

Defending the “Line of Respect”

One of the best ways to keep a marriage healthy is to maintain a system of mutual accountability within the context of love. This is done by protecting what I call the “line of respect” in a marital relationship. Let me illustrate.

Suppose I work in my office two hours longer than usual on a particular night, knowing that my wife, Shirley, is at home preparing a very special candlelight dinner. If I don’t call to let her know I’ll be late, you can bet that I’m going to hear about it when I get home. Shirley would see my behavior as insulting—and she’d be right. So she’d say, in effect, “Jim, what you did was selfish, and I can’t let it pass.” In those few words, and probably a few more, she would have spoken her mind in love and held me accountable for my disrespect. Then we would move on together.

In a healthy marriage, some things are worth defending, and mutual respect is at the top of the fist. This doesn’t mean you should nag, insult, publicly embarrass your mate, or point out insignificant indiscretions that should be overlooked. But a workable system of “checks and balances” can keep your marriage on course when issues of respect are at stake.

This kind of mutual accountability is the best way I know to avoid an unexpected explosion when stored resentment and anger reach a critical mass.

High-Voltage Marriages

Which of the following couples is more likely to enjoy the greatest physical attraction in their marriage? Is it the couple that spends every waking hour together and focuses almost exclusively on one another, or is it the man and woman who have other interests and then, after some time of independence, come closer together again as the pendulum swings?

Surprisingly, perhaps, it’s the one that varies from time to time. According to behavioral researchers, the healthiest marriages and those with the highest sexual voltage are those that breathe—relationships that move from a time of closeness and tenderness to a more distant posture and then come together for another reunion as the cycle concludes.

This is why it’s not always advantageous for a husband and wife to work together or to concentrate exclusively on one another in the absence of friends and colleagues outside the family. There is something about the diversity of interests and activities by each partner that keeps a couple from consuming one another and burning out the relationship in the short run.

Marriage is, after all, a marathon and not a sprint. Husbands and wives need to maintain a regenerating system that will keep love alive for a life- time. Cultivating a healthy interest in many things is one big step in that direction.

Anticipating Life’s Challenges

There are some facts of nature that never cease to astound me. For instance, did you know that before it snows, fir trees in northern regions actually retract their branches so that the weight of the snow they’ll have to bear will be reduced? This withdrawal response is programmed into every branch, even in those smaller than a little finger. The Creator has enabled the tree to anticipate the problem before it occurs, thereby reducing the risks that might accompany a snowy winter.

Perhaps we can do something similar within our own marriages. You will not be able to avoid problems and crises in marriage, but you can anticipate them and prepare for their arrival. Most of the stress points in families are common to others and are therefore predictable.

One of my good friends spent a considerable amount of time with his wife preparing for the moment when their grown kids would move out of the house. They talked often about the empty nest and discussed ways their friends had coped with it. They read books about that phase of life and applied what they had heard to themselves. As a result, their transition to the empty nest was smooth and uneventful.

Into every marriage, a little snow will fall. Blizzards will blow, and storms will howl. But an effort to anticipate these difficult times will help you and your mate stand up under the weight of the winter storm.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

One thing that men need to understand is that, generally speaking, women tend to care more than men about the home and everything in it. It’s certainly true in my house. Let me illustrate that point. A few years ago, my wife and I hired a plumber to install a gas-barbecue unit in the backyard, and then we left for the day. When we returned, we both observed that the device was mounted about eight inches too high.

Shirley and I stood looking at the appliance, and our reactions were quite different. I said, “Yeah, you’re right. The plumber made a mistake. By the way, what are we having for dinner tonight?”

But Shirley reacted characteristically. She said, “I don’t think I can stand that thing sticking up in the air like that.”

I could have lived the rest of my life without thinking again about the height of the barbecue unit, but to Shirley it was a big deal. Why? Because to a man a home is a place where he can relax, kick off his shoes, and be himself. To a woman, especially a homemaker, the house is an extension of her personality. She expresses her individuality and her character through it. That’s why husbands would be wise to recognize this differing perspective and accommodate the creative interests of their wives.

By the way, the plumber was summoned back to our house the next day and asked to
fix his mistake. As the saying goes, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

When Honesty Is Cruel

Most marriage counselors emphasize communication as the foundation for a healthy relationship—nothing should be withheld from the marital partner. There is wisdom in that advice, provided it is applied with common sense.

It’s true that couples who communicate openly have a much better chance of succeeding in marriage. But any good idea can he misused—at which point the effect becomes negative. For example, it’s honest for a man to tell his wife that he hates her fat legs, or her varicose veins, or the way she cooks. It’s honest for a woman to dump her anger on her husband and constantly berate him for his shortcomings and his failures. But honesty that does not have the best interest of the other person at heart is really a cruel form of selfishness. This is especially true when the other person can’t do anything about the characteristics that are being criticized.

Some couples, in their determination to share every thought and opinion, systematically destroy the sweet spark of romance that once drew them together. No longer is there any sense of mystique in the relationship. They’ve unraveled the romantic allure that made them love one another in the first place.

I’m not suggesting that husbands and wives begin to deceive each other. I am recommending, however, that they leave something to be discovered along the way and occasionally let their anger and frustration cool down just a bit before pouring it on an unsuspecting partner in the name of honesty.

The bottom line? Let love be your guide.

Legend of the Taj Mahal

The Taj Mahal is one of the most beautiful and costly tombs ever built, but there is something fascinating about its beginnings. In 1629, when the favorite wife of Indian ruler Shah Jahan died, he ordered that a magnificent tomb be built as a memorial to her. The shah placed his wife’s casket in the middle of a parcel of land, and construction of the temple literally began around it. But several years into the venture, the Shah’s grief for his wife gave way to a passion for the project. One day while he was surveying the sight, he reportedly stumbled over a wooden box, and he had some workers throw it out. It was months before he realized that his wife’s casket had been destroyed. The
original purpose for the memorial became lost in the details of construction.

This legend may or may not be true, but its theme is a familiar one in the lives of people. How many of us set out to build dream castles but lose our focus along the way? We realize too late that it is loved ones and our children that really matter.

Another classic example of misplaced values occurred in the life of J. Paul Getty, one of the richest men of the twentieth century. He wrote: “I’ve never been given to envy, save for the envy I feel toward those people who have the ability to make a marriage work and endure happily. It’s an art I’ve never been able to master.” While we’re building our Taj Mahals, let’s not forget the purpose with which we began building.

After the Fight Is Over

It’s not the fights that should worry married couples; it’s what happens when the battles are over.

Almost all husbands and wives experience conflict from time to time, which is not necessarily unhealthy to their relationships. A verbal spat that stays within reasonable limits can open the windows and give the couple a chance to vent frustrations and release some steam. The important question, however, is what happens after a fight is over? In healthy relationships, a period of confrontation ends in forgiveness, in drawing together, in deeper respect and understanding, and sometimes in sexual satisfaction. But in unstable marriages, conflict is never entirely resolved. This is a very dangerous situation, where the consequences of one battle begin to overlap with a prelude to the next. It’s a good idea for couples to take a close look at what happens in the aftermath of confrontation.

Are there things that you’ve said or done that have grieved your partner? Do you need to ask forgiveness for attacking the self-worth of your spouse instead of focusing on the issues that divided you? Are there substantive matters that haven’t yet been resolved? Deal with them quickly before they can fester and erode the relationship from within.

The apostle Paul understood this principle clearly. He instructed us not to let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:26). That’s great marital advice.

The Straight Life

If we are to believe the findings of behavioral researchers, extramarital affairs are more common now than ever in the United States. People who ought to know better, such as ministers, physicians, and politicians, are risking marriages, careers, and children to engage in sexual misconduct. Even United States presidents have participated in one or more dalliances that have jeopardized their place in history. Immoral behavior of this nature is destroying millions of families at every level of society.

The question I would pose is this: What happens to individuals who cheat on their spouses—those who leave the “straight life” in pursuit of someone more exciting?

I have watched such people over the years, and what I’ve observed is that they eventually establish another “straight life.” After the thrill of the chase and the cooling of passion, folks have to get back to cooking, cleaning, and earning a living. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed. Also, personal flaws and irritants show up, much like those in the former husband or wife. And guess what? The straight life begins to feel confining again. Then what does the individual do when he or she is beginning to feel trapped? Some people then hop- scotch from one straight life to another in a vain search for something indescribable—something they
never seem to find. Lying in their wake are former spouses, who feel rejected, bitter, and unloved. They produce vulnerable little children, who wonder why Daddy doesn’t live here anymore and why Mommy cries all the time.

Soaps and sitcoms on television tell us every day that infidelity is a marvelous game for two. It sure does look like fun. But when adultery has run its course, it only brings pain and disillusionment. And the ones who are hurt the most are the children who are caught in the web.

Beating the Doldrums

Many marriages seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails and drift aimlessly through the sea of matrimony. Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the doldrums. The doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean death for the entire crew. The ship’s food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for
a breeze to put them back on course.

Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing the relationship to die a slow and painful death. Author Doug Fields, in his book Creative Romance, writes, “Dating and romancing your spouse can change those patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There’s no quick fix to a stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses and begin to date your sweetheart again.”

It’ll take a conscious effort to fill your sail again, but some creative ideas will help. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain? Or rereading those old love letters?

The honeymoon need not be a forgotten experience.

Mystery in Marriage

If you want to put some new life in your marriage, try thinking like a teenager again.

We all remember, fondly or otherwise, the craziness of our dating days. The coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we’d like to think.

In truth, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, the excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.

This might be a key to keeping vitality in your marriage. If things seem stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. Maybe it’s time for a little mystery, a little flirtatiousness, a date where you revisit the places you enjoyed when your love was new and relive some of the happy moments that brought you together.

If it sounds a little immature to act like a teenager again, just keep this in mind: In the best marriages, the chase is never really over.

For Better or for Worse

My friends Keith and Mary Korstjens have been married for more than fifty years. Shortly after their honeymoon, Mary was stricken with polio and became a quadriplegic. The doctors informed her that she would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. It was a devastating development, but Keith never wavered in his commitment to Mary. For all these years, he has bathed and dressed her, carried her to and from her bed, taken her to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and combed her hair.

Obviously, Keith could have divorced Mary in 1957 and looked for a new and healthier wife, but he never even considered it. I admire this man, not only for doing the right thing, but for continuing to love and cherish his wife. Though the problems you and I face may be less challenging than those encountered by the Korstjens family, all of us will have our own difficulties. How will we respond? Some will give up on marriage for some pretty flimsy reasons. If we are going to go the distance, nothing short of an ironclad commitment will sustain us when the hard times come.

Let’s review the vows spoken by millions during their marriage ceremonies. They read: “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, from this day forward till death do us part.” Keith and Mary Korstjens said and meant exactly that!