Getting Right with God, Yourself, and Others

pastor John baker

Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

Happy are the pure in heart. (Matthew 5:8)

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed (James 5:16)

confess - Lesson 12

Confess your shortcomings, resentments, and sins
Obey God’s directions
No more guilt
Face the truth
Ease the pain
Stop the blame
Start accepting God’s forgiveness

What wrongs, resentments, or secret sins are keeping you awake at night? Wouldn’t you like to get rid of them?
In the past, it was living a lie - drugs, infidelity, physical and verbal abuse; when Sachi and I got together, where Yujin took the brunt of my sickness. Now I don’t have those issues nor lose sleep over them.
What value do you see in confessing, in coming clean of the wreckage of your past?
It frees you from the prison you created for yourself. No longer are you held captive for the mistakes of the past and can move forward, healing wounds that seem to never go away.
As you obey God’s directions for confession, what results do you expect God to produce in your life?
To be able to live a normal life, one without the fear of something being revealed that you didn’t want that could embarrass or destroy you and others.
What freedom do you feel because of the words of Romans 8:1 and Romans 3:23-24? What specifically do the phrases “no condemnation” and “not guilty” mean to you?
That I am forgiven, unconditionally, undeservedly, and I don’t have to feel the weight of my shame and the pain I caused because I’ve been set free.
After you complete Principle 4, you will find four areas of your life begin to improve. You will be able to face the truth, ease the pain, stop the blame, and start accepting God’s forgiveness. In what areas of your life will each of these four positive changes help your recovery?

I can be honest with…
My feelings, my hurts, my pains, my frustrations, my brokenness; other people and not feel like they are looking to prove me wrong or catch me in a lie.

I can ease my pain by…
Letting others know what I am going through; to seek help when and where needed without fear of being judged; going directly to God in prayer to be comforted

I can stop blaming…
Others for my mistakes, my hangups, my hurts - received or delivered; circumstances, and definitely God for not being there or allowing me to go through the difficulties and challenges that we encounter in life

I can accept God’s forgiveness because of…
The unconditional love He has for us and that He said all we have to do is receive and accept the gift of grace and mercy that is offered through our Lord and Savior Jesus. No one has ever shown that great of love as He has for me when I was still in my disease. While my family loved me, there were times they wish I wasn’t around nor that they had to endure what they did while I was sick - mentally, physically, & spiritually.

admit - Lesson 13

In principle 4 we are asked to give our inventory three times. Who are we to confess it to and why?
A) myself, to hear it come out of my mouth to recognize and acknowledge my wrongdoings; B) God, while He knows what I did, if we pretend that He isn’t interested or that we are ashamed of saying it, the issues become our stumbling block and prevents us from actually healing and recover; C) someone else, besides being accountable to it, allowing you to say it to someone else releases the power of the pain of the past and control over you; that you can actually begin relating to what has been issues and face them head on.
Most of us find it easier to confess our wrongs to ourselves and God. We seem to have more difficulty in sharing them with another person. What is the most difficult part for you? Why?
A) finding someone who you can confidently confide in without judgement, condemnation, also that they couldn’t relate because the sickness of addiction wasn’t something familiar to them. B) in the beginning was the shame that I had caused such havoc and destruction to my family and those I love; the persona, the “functioning addict,” the actor that performed day in and day out has finally had to take off the costume to reveal the real me.
What is your biggest fear of sharing your inventory with another person?
A) will it ever come out publicly when I wasn’t ready to talk about it or have everyone know I was living a duplicitous life
List three people with whom you are considering sharing your inventory. List the pros and cons of each selection. Circle your final choice.
At the time of my early sobriety it was, A) Colin Kurata; B) Dr. Ken;
Pick a quiet location to share your inventory. List three places and circle the best one.
A) at the beach; B) in the mountains; C) at a park

Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires. (Matthew 5:6)

Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:10)

ready - Lesson 14

Release Control
Easy does it
Accept the change
Do replace your character defects
Yield to the growth

Have you released control? (If not, review Principle 3: “Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.”)
Yes I have.
List the areas of your life that you have been able to turn over and surrender to Jesus Christ.
My mind, my heart, my body, my marriage, my finances, my dreams, my hope
List the areas of your life that you are still holding on to, attempting to control them on your own power.
At times my finances - working too much and neglecting my family because of it.
What does the phrase “easy does it” mean to you? What area of your recovery are you attempting to rush — looking for the “quick fix”?
A) Don’t be in a rush to get yourself fixed. In our haste to get high, we always want the fast, quick was to solve things where we once turned to drugs. B) In the past was my emotional baggage, basically still suppressing them instead of addressing the problems; also to "fix” my marriage and relationship with my family - with all the lies I told it was a journey whereas I was hoping to run a 100 yard dash and be over with the race.
Explain the differences in seeing a need for change and being entirely ready to accept positive change in your recovery.
While you may believe you need to change, you may still be unwilling to do so because your mind starts telling you that you’re okay when you’re not. Because of the drugs effect on the brain, you start believing in BS that comes out of it and your mouth.

It is only when you actively put the words into action. I need help changes to I am looking for help to I am being helped now, on my way to recovery.
It is very important that you allow God to replace your character defects with positive changes. What are some of the positive changes that you could make in your recovery? In your family? In your job?
My callous heart, being self-absorbed, letting the facade go and being who God made me to be. Being the husband that I promised Sachi I would be; becoming the loving father that Yujin needed; honoring my parents and taking care of them instead of the other way around.
Sometimes it is difficult for us in recovery to see the positive changes that God is making in our lives. Have you been able to accept and enjoy your growth? How?
Not in the beginning because I would let the thoughts of my relapsing or being an addict pull me back into heartbreak and self-defeat. Where I am now, absolutely I can say I welcome every bit of change the Lord allows me to go through each day, each time.

Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Victory - Lesson 15

Voluntarily submit
Identify character defects
Change your mind
Turn over character defects
One day at a time
Recovery is a process
You must choose to change

As you voluntarily submit to every change God wants you to make in your recovery, how does Romans 12:1-2 help you know that real, positive change is possible?
A) because how I tried to do things on my own, my way, my thinking, only got me into trouble or led me to believe that what was best for me only I knew what that is, the answer had to come from me; B) ultimately it got me nowhere, in trouble, in debt, lots of pain - emotional, physical, and empty in my soul; C) with God’s merciful hands, He showed me what life could be like, would be like, should be like, if I just changed how I was thinking.
In principle you need to ask God to help you identify the defects of character that you need to work on first. List the changes that you want to ask God to help you work on now. Will you work on them?
A) at times impatient; B) frustrated; C) some anxiety & fear; D) not really angry, more intolerable; E) yes, I am working on these defects
God’s Word teaches us that real change comes from the changing of our minds. We must take the positive action required to follow God’s directions. List the actions that you need to take to begin working on the defects of character tat you listed in question 2.
ACTION PLAN (read the principle 5b verses on page 39)

Defect of character: intolerable and impatient

I need to stop doing: snapping when I’m impatient or frustrated

I need to start doing: more patient, understanding, kind
List the specific ways that you have turned from relying on your own will power to relying on God’s will for your life.
Finances - trying to force a square into a circle; making things happen because I couldn’t wait on God to show up; doing a deal that I shouldn’t, and knowingly, yet I do just to get paid
What does the phrase “one day at a time” mean to you and your recovery?
This is not a sprint, nor a marathon, this is a race that continues each day, each moment in my life; no reason to rush the process of getting better as when I did I failed to.
It has been stated that “Recovery is not perfection; it is a process.” Do you agree with that? Why?
Absolutely - nothing in recovery is ever perfect. There are very bad and difficult day, times when you are reflecting and trying to change where you feel it just isn’t working out. Many times your expectation that you were going to be “fixed” right away if you did this or that just wasn’t real. Only when you come to the realization that God is working in and through you that you understand this doesn’t happen overnight, that you must take things one step at a time, one moment at a time.
What does humility mean to you? How will being humble allow you to change?
Being vulnerable, willing to ask for and receive help. No more pride or superiority complex. Accepting that you can’t do this alone, ever. Ability to let go of me doing everything, and leaning on and trusting in God’s help - connecting me with others to support me, teach me other skills, not having to fight battles alone.

Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.

Happy are the merciful. (Matthew 5:7)
Happy are the peacemakers. (Matthew 5:9)

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31)

amends - lesson 16

Admit the hurt and the harm
Make a list
Encourage one another
Not for them
Do it at the right time
Start living the promises of recovery

Once again you need to admit the past hurts — what others did to you and the harm that you caused to others. Explain how holding on to your past resentments and guilt has blocked your recovery. Be specific.
Mainly it was me hurting others - my mom, Sachi, Yujin, some friends, some family from being the selfish ass and dickhead I was back then. In some regards, those same characteristics do surface from time to time. While I may have blamed my defects on others, what I learned is it all started and ended with me being the culprit, not victim.
Without acknowledging I had issues, defects that needed to be worked on, I just plowed through whatever was in my way without acknowledging my role nor counting the cost of my actions, my words, my piss poor attitude. More times than not it got me in trouble, hurt people, and alienated me from those who truly cared.
Next, you are ready to make your list. List the names of those to whom you think you owe amends to in column 1. Then list those individuals who have hurt you and who you need to forgive in column 2. Keep this chart and see how God has increased your list within the next thirty days. Also, begin praying for the willingness and God’s direction for you to complete this principle.

I OWE AMENDS TO…
A) my mom; B) Kelly Lenfest; C)

I NEED TO FORGIVE…
A) my brother; B)
Who do you have on your recovery support team to encourage you as you make your amends and offer your forgiveness?
SPONSOR: none, have not had one in a while (possibly 10 years plus)
ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS: Jay, Justin
What does the phrase “not for them” mean to you?
When making amends, asking for forgiveness is not for the other person; perhaps they aren’t ready for nor want to hear from me. It is to release me from the pain and misery that I caused, but should never be at the expense of the other party.
What does the phrase “don’t expect anything back” mean to you?
Don’t expect them to reciprocate nor be willing to apologize or forgive me, even if they did have a part, a role in my disease. If all I was there for was to hear words of forgiveness or an apology, that’s not truly seeking wholeness, that’s still me holding onto something that may never come from the other side. Ultimately this leads to bitterness and unhealthy thinking, potentially poor feelings of self-worth because it was wrapped up in what I feel other side needs to do or say to make me feel better about myself.
Timing is so important in this step. List the individuals who could be possibly injured from your making an amends to them and why.
At this point, my mom has passed on and, while I have asked for forgiveness and apologize, it comes to me once in a while when thinking of the pain I caused her. As for Kelly Lenfest, she went to jail and I was part of the problem.
Go back to the “start living the promises” section of amends. List some of the promises of recovery that are coming true in your life!
Freedom - no longer a user, no longer identified as an addict
Purpose - my life is not my own; I serve my Lord, my King, my God then serving others; no longer identified by what I do (vocation) and making $$$ is not the goal nor my sole desire; continue to look for where God wants me to be and do (sometimes not always clear on this)
Serenity & Peace - much better in this department than when I first got off drugs as I was still out of control and definitely difficult to deal with. I am able to ask in prayer for help, to bring a difficult situation into perspective and not freak out entirely. Not 100% always calm and collected as I do have moments where I lose my cool.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

forgiveness - LEsson 17

Do you know the three kinds of forgiveness? To be completely free from your resentments, anger, fears, shame, and guilt, you need to give and accept forgiveness in all areas of your lives. If you do not, your recovery will be stalled and thus incomplete.

Have you accepted God’s forgiveness?
Have you forgiven others who have hurt you?
Have you forgive yourself?

As you look at the three kinds of forgiveness, which one of them was the easiest for you to accept? Why?
L
Which area of forgiveness was the most difficult for you to accept? Why?
R
What do the words of Christ found in John 19:30 (“It is finished.”) mean to you?
F
What hurt(s) from a past relationship are you still holding on to?
A
How can you let go of the hurt(s)? Be specific.
I
Do you owe God an amends? When will you give it?
B
How have you been blaming God for the harmful actions that others took against you?
T
Have you forgiven yourself? What past actions in your life do you still feel guilt and shame about? (List them, pray about them, and work on them in the next lesson.)
S

grace - LEsson 18

God’s gift
Received by our faith
Accepted by God’s love
Christ paid the price
Everlasting gift

How has Jesus Christ used your weaknesses and turned them into strengths?
L
How can you receive God’s gift of grace (Romans 5:2)?
R
How can you model God’s gift of grace in making your amends?
F
In what ways have you experienced God’s grace in your recovery?
A
God loved and accepted us while we were still sinners (Ephesians 2:5). How can you model that acceptance to those to whom you need to offer forgiveness or make amends?
I
In principle 6 we are not trying to get even. Christ paid the price for all of our wrongs. What does “speaking the truth in love” mean to you?
B
Why is it important that you focus ONLY on your part in making an amends or offering forgiveness?
T
List some of the things that God has shown you through working principle 6.
S