Stepping Out of Denial into God’s Grace

pastor John baker

Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor. (Matthew 5:3)

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)

Denial - Lesson 1

Disables our feelings
Energy lost
Negates growth
Isolates us from God
Alienates us from our relationships
Lengthens the pain

What areas of your life do you have power (control) over? Be specific
Decisions of doing good or bad, knowing full well what is right and wrong and making the right choices. No longer desiring to do drugs, drink and other destructive activities that destroyed a big part of my life and hurt my family just as much.
What areas of your life are out of control, unmanageable? Be specific
My temper at times gets the best of me. The words that leave my mouth when I am upset, frustrated, or disappointed is pretty harsh. I’m not prejudice to who it is directed to either, hurting pretty much anyone and everyone in its path.
How do you think taking the first step will help you?
To see that the life I aspire to live is more than possible because I have been and continue to work on areas that are far less than where I want them to be or need for myself and my family.
As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?
Doing stupid things like taking a bet to eat spoonful of chili pepper oil, a whole manapua, or other dumb things for people to notice me.
In your family of origin, what was the “family secret” that everyone was trying to protect?
None really, perhaps what I held onto for so long was my dad cheating on my mom and having another family (potentially) and trying to hide it. My brother, sister and I visited my dad and, to my dad’s surprise, we came along for the ride because we were with my brother at the time and when my dad opened the door to the apartment he was staying at, he closed the door and didn’t even say anything. Pissed off my brother and certainly left an impact on me for a long time.
How do you handle pain and disappointment?
For the most part pause, take a breather, pray, process, reflect, and move on. There are times that I may get a bit upset, even pissed off, then I resolve to give it up to the Lord before it gets the best of me and turns a situation, regardless of severity, into a full-blown episode when it isn’t necessary.
How can you begin to address your denial?
Letting others who know me, that art close to me, be open to say what they need to about my behavior, attitude, & actions, especially if it is not in alignment with the Truth, the Word, what God is speaking into my life.
In what areas of your life are you now beginning to face reality and break the effects of denial?
I can be very lazy and also multi-task poorly. Sometimes, when I really don’t want to do anything I do exactly that, nothing. Binge watch whatever catches my attention and lose myself in it while other important tasks need to get done - clean the house, do yard work, business projects, etc.
Are you starting to develop a support team? Are you asking for phone numbers in your meetings? List them here or on the inside back cover of this participant’s guide!
Don’t have an accountability partner. Have a few of the men at NHHK, my old recover group if needed, and some friends that I can lean on.

Powerless - Lesson 2

Pride
Only ifs
Worry
Escape
Resentments
Loneliness
Emptiness
Selfishness
Separation

List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.
A) Believed I was fine as a ‘functioning addict’ and that my work would not be affected, and because I was doing well I didn’t think twice to stop using; B) Took for granted a friend who was trying to help as he reached out to my wife to warn her about my addiction and instead of accepting I had a problem I led them to believe I was under control; C) My constant lying, figuring out ways to get out of bad situations I got myself into and having to remember what I said earlier to keep it going - felt I was pretty good at it because I fooled so many people for so long and got away with it.
What in you past has caused you to have the “if onlys”? “If only” I had stopped _______ years ago. “If only” _____________________ hadn’t left me.
A) Coming from ‘poverty’ and not having what I see other people have. Not having a father around, especially one that did things with me, taught me life skills, etc. Lot of the time I kept saying to myself - if I was only smarter; better looking; knew people in power; access to wealthy people, had a better job, and more
Instead of worrying about things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives. What are you worrying about? Why?
A) My finances; B) my existing company; C) my new company; D) my walk, E) my family.
a) My income fluctuates based on how well I do in a month, some months have been only my salary with no commission, and the monthly expenses doesn’t change.
b) Stopped pursuing my other business because main client went with another company and I was focused only on company I work for and, more recently, my new company.
c) So much needs to be done, with a huge learning curve for everyone, and not everyone is able to pitch in to help as they have other jobs and family commitments - the struggle of having to do things on my own with no one else stepping up.
d) Missing out on my daily time with the Lord; not starting/finishing my devotions; not able to focus on the messages I listen to; not committing to the work that I volunteered for.
e) Sachi needs me to be a supportive, committed husband, not some lazy bum who is to be served in everything; she needs someone who is going to help out without being told what to do and why. I feel like I’m not contributing due to my commitments in other areas that I didn’t count the cost - and now my family is paying for my choices.
In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain. Be specific.
Dealing with my poor parental skills and not recognizing the damage I have done to Yujin while believing that everything is fine with him, with us. This one is very huge as he endured so much when he was younger. Instead of addressing the past, I purposely tried to avoid having any conversation, knowing I screwed up and was unsure how to make it right.
How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you?
My being pissed at my dad for not being around definitely had an impact on how I raised Yujin. Kept looking for ways to make our relationship stronger all the while not dealing with my ‘hurt’ feelings and repressing them for so long. This only kept things at the forefront and not being able to put it behind me.
Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not? How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?
Yes, I believe loneliness is a choice. We are social creature and feel most people want to connect with others. I have avoided some people because I just don’t want conflict or to be found out.
Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it?
Right now is doing all the administrative stuff for the new company with no one asking to help out or to take on the responsibilities that keep piling on. I end up wanting to surf, go to jiu jitsu, go workout, binge-watch anything, pretty much do anything to get my mind off of what was being covered or focusing on the negatives.
Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?
My time - going to surf or other activities for hours, not 1-2, but 3-4, sometimes longer and we not coming home in a reasonable amount of time to help my family out.
Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent. What can you do to get closer to God?
Plug in with a small group, both on Oahu and Kauai. Get an accountability partner. Complete my devotions on a daily basis. Stay connected with men’s ministry group and other church leaders. Prayer, not just when I wake up and go to bed.

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (Philippians 2:13)

Hope - Lesson 3

Higher Power
Openness to change
Power to change
Expect to change

Before taking this step, where were you trying to find hope?
Myself - that I could get better without anyone’s help; other people that had their lives in order (or at least it seems); staying busy doing stuff - mainly golf & surfing
What do you believe about God? What are some of His characteristics?
He is in control; is always there for me and my family; consistent in how he cares for us; loves unconditionally; so very patient; absolutely forgiving; generous beyond comprehension
How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly father alike? How do they differ?
Can always reach out to speak with both. Has shown me love and can reciprocate equally.
My dad has challenges with his temper; not always loving towards others; can be very selfish; and no matter how often I have shared he needs to change, he doesn’t try or attempts to.
How can your relationship with your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality?
It makes it easier because I know I’m not alone as I was when I thought I could go at it myself, believing that the road to clean living, sobriety, was within my grasp and control. It is looking at how Jesus lived and what he taught allows you to reflect and understand that you are a broken, sinful person that is separated from God who wants to help you. Instead of running away and not dealing with your issues/challenges, we can run to Him who heals us.
In what areas of your life are you now ready to let God help you?
My control issues, my poor attitude, my laziness, my wanting to do more
What things are you ready to change in your life? Where can you get the power to change them?
My managing of time, resources, and work. Giving it to the Lord, really letting it go, and then be patient until it is time; all the while doing the work that is laid out in front of me, day in, day out, and not questioning why?

Sanity - Lesson 4

Strength
Acceptance
New Life
Integrity
Trust
Your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, loves you just the way you are!

What things have you been doing over and over again, expecting a different results each time (insanity)?
Balancing my wife and personal life. Trying to do work, while balancing 2 businesses - 1 new, the other rebuilding. Staying up late, getting up early, not getting enough rest and unable to always think clearly.
What is your definition of sanity?
Sound mind, clarity, peaceful, restful, and patient
How have your past expectations of yourself or others been unrealistic? Give examples.
A) Expect others to be as outgoing, smart, hard working, honest; not everyone does things at the same pace or level as yourself and you have to accept that or you are bound to be disappointed in them and yourself
B) That other people would be genuine, wanting to help rather than to be helped; that in your very nature if you are giving and supportive that other would be the same and that isn’t always the case. Many times people or fake and just as selfish as you can be, or that I was.
C) Trustworthy - not everyone is and it has come back to bite me in the butt; had a friend growing up that stole from my home
In the past, how has trusting only in your own feelings and emotions gotten you in trouble?
Because I used to always believe I was smarter than you, that I knew more, that I was in control of the outcome, I got so far ahead of myself that it only led to struggle, trouble, and often failure. Without counting the cost of my mistakes, I just went full ahead on many occasions that the Lord wanted me to wait or not take that it came back with no blessing, causing it or myself to fail.
How can your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help restore you to make sane decisions? How do you get a second chance?
A) By letting go of what I feel only I can control and the outcome is up to me
B) Praying for His direction and getting guidance through the Holy Spirit
C) He always give us chances if we go to him and really let go of what is causing you sleepless nights and struggle. Not always the easiest to do, but so worth it once you do.
What areas of your life are you ready to release control of and hand over to God? Be specific.
My finances, my businesses, my relationships, my service to others - BBBS & NHHK

Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control

Happy are the meek. (Matthew 5:5)

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. (Romans 12:1)

turn - lesson 5

Trust
Understand
Repent
New life

What is stopping you from asking Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior? (If you have already asked Christ into your life, describe your experience.)
In the beginning I can’t be sure I was “changed” because I really was hoping, but not entirely as the life I was still living was still appealing to me. Fast forward today, if the Lord didn’t intervene in my life I would be dead - mentally, spiritually, & physically.
How has relying on your “own understanding” caused problems in your life? Be specific.
When I feel I got a handle on things when I really don’t, pride and stubbornness kick in and it generally leads to things falling apart, and rather quickly. Instead of asking for help when I need it, I go at it alone, trying to work things through. While not bad, it usually takes longer and not always right.
What does “repent” mean to you? What do you need to repent of?
Asking for forgiveness, admitting my wrongs regardless of who it is. My lack of faith, still desiring success, not fully giving of myself when I make a commitment to serving, regardless of the capacity or request.
What does the declaration of “not guilty” found in Romans 3:22 mean to you?
That there is hope and no condemnation. Not giving us a license to “sin” or do whatever we like, but that we have a loving God who provides us forgiveness through his son Jesus.
When you turn your life over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, you have a “new life” (see 2 Corinthians 5:17). What does that “new life” mean to you?
Not having to live the “addict” life. Feeling ashamed, condemned; living a secret life, fearful, angry, bitter, jealous, and more
What does the Principle 3 prayer mean to you?
That I am never alone. I don’t have to try and work things out by my own understanding, strength, and that once I give it over the Jesus he’ll see m through it all.

Action - LEsson 6

Accept Jesus Christ as your Higher Power and Savior!
Commit to seek and follow HIS will!
Turn it over
It’s only the beginning
One day at a time
Next: How do I ask Christ into my life?

What differences have you noticed in your life now that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Higher Power?
Lot more calm, patient (not perfect), able to process things and more accepting of the outcome than I had in my years of being a user.
How has your definition of willpower changed since you have been in recovery?
Really not waiting around and hoping things will get better; learning that I have to take that step and believe.
What have you been able to turn over to God?
Fear, failure, family, & future
What do you fear turning over to His care?
At times my finances, not always, just at times I keep forcing my plans, my ways
What is keeping you from turning them over?
I get stuck in fear, anxiety, apprehension
What does the phrase “live one day at a time” mean to you?
Be happy with what I have now, not getting so ahead of myself that I forget what is going on around me today.
What is a major concern in your life?
Taking care of my family and the people I love. Showing them the love of Christ in my walk. How many people can be touched by God using me.
What’s stopping you from turning it over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ?
Scattered brain syndrome. Doing too much, accomplishing very little.